From the Bottom to the Top

Hello lovely people!
I hope you are all having a nice weekend. On Monday I go back to work, and I'm excited while at the same time mourning my late mornings.

Today I'm going to touch upon how I feel about a certain part of my body, and what society tells us about this. It won't be The body post that I've intended to write, inspired by Klara of The Robot That Had a Heart. You can read Klara's magnificent body positivity post here. For me, that post will come another time, but it's more about a single part of my body... That was highlighted in these jeans.

Yes, my arse.

Since I've developed my "womanly" body I have always been pear shaped. That is, my hips and arse are wider than my top. Other than making jeans and trouser shopping extremely difficult, it has also affected how I see myself and my size. I often feel as if I am "wide" just because of my curvy hips. In reality though I'm a size small-medium. But my perception of my size is strongly affected by my curvyness.

These tight jeans, that I almost couldn't get over my arse, made me almost cringe at first. My hips looked so huge and my arse looked positively JLo-esque. Some of you may be thinking that it's not too bad, and that JLo's arse is one to strive for. Many think she's got a beautiful body (as do I), but the point I want to make is that it doesn't quite matter what others think. If you don't feel beautiful or like you are "the right size" nothing anyone's going to say will make a difference.

I really like Meghan Tainor's song All About That Bass, and I think body positive messages like that are brilliant, "Every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top" - Yes! Great!
However there is a line in that song that bothers me beyond belief.
"Boys they like a little more booty to hold at night" - Big Fat NO!

Why should it matter to me if I have the "booty" that boys like. First of all, I'm no object that's here to please boys. What boys like couldn't mean less to me. We don't want a world where I'm supposed to think: "My arse is big, but it's okay because someone else (a man) will like it". Secondly, I think the whole reasoning is wrong. We want to live in a world where people like me think: "My arse is big, but it's okay because I can be the way I am".

I just think we're focusing far too much on what others think, and what society says is right and good. And I hear you, it's hard not to listen to all the countless of voices that have opinions about women's bodies. But accepting your body, big arse and all, should come from within. It should not be a result of a man giving you the "right" to accept it, as it feels like it is today in the world.

In Sweden there is a commercial for a matchmaking website where they say you shouldn't worry about your imperfections because someone out there loves them. Again, it's giving the power of body acceptance to someone else, when it is such a valuable thing that we should keep for ourselves.

I'm ranting now, but the point I wanted to make is that: Don't rely on someone else to accept your body. I finally decided that "Yes, my arse does look big in the jeans, but that's my body!", and it didn't come from someone else telling me "No really, you look great".

About this lovely knitted cardigan, that I feel has a 40's vibe to it. It's from Emmy Design, that makes vintage inspired clothing, and I just fell for this cardigan. Good thing too, because it's been so cold lately that woollen cardis are a necessity.

Cardigan: Emmy Design (here)

Jeans: River Island (old)

Heels: ModCloth (here)

To anyone who got this far, thanks for staying with me in my rant about this. I just want people to look to themselves for acceptance and happiness.

Much love,

New Year, Good bye 2015

Happy New Year!!

It's time for party (if you're into that) or hanging out on the couch with your Mum and sis eating crisps and chocolates (that's what I'm into).

It is inevitable to look back at the year that has passed so close to NYE. You think about the high and low points of the year and imagine what next year will be like. For now though, looking back at 2015: it has been one rough year of my life. It has probably been the worst year of my life, and then a better year of my life, dividing the year exactly in half.

I feel like I need to warn you guys before starting, this post will get a bit sad and heavy before it gets better, just like my 2015 has gone about.

At the start of the year my depression was at an all time high. My OCD (that I've written more about here) was the worst it's ever been, and the year started with me not being able to go back to work after the holidays. I was on temporary sick leave which made me feel all the worse. My OCD was so bad that leaving my apartment caused me crippling and unmanageable anxiety. My only trips outdoors were to my doctor's office and back home, whereupon I would scrub myself raw in the shower for hours trying to get "clean". With my disorder taking over my life my depression got bad. Real bad. In February, the month of my birthday I was dying on the inside, and hoping to die on the outside, which in itself is a thing I could write a whole post about (so I'll leave that for another time).

Medicines that I got for my depression caused side effects that affected my heart, and I ended up in the hospital for fainting a number of times a day. Only being in a hospital would make my anxiety spike, so you can understand that it was a tough time. However as the year turned to Summer I got new meds. Meds that seemed to work. The emptiness and greyness of my depression started to clear a bit. I was lucky enough to also start to get professional help at this time and gradually I started to break loose, little by little, from the claws of my OCD. By this time I had also made a whole lot of friends through instagram - golden relationships that I treasure a lot!

In May I started this blog. I personally think that it has helped me a lot in dealing with both my depression and OCD, as I have had to put it into words, and have decided to share my story with you. It made things easier. It reduced the shame I felt, and the friends I'd made through instagram and the blog were so supportive and kind, showering me with love. It also gave me something to do, something to keep my mind off of the bad things. When this blog began, I was about to start to regain my hope, which had previously been lost (I blame the depression, makes you so hopeless).

Dress: Emmy Design (here)

Bag: Emmy Design (sold out, but other colours here, here, here and here)

Petticoat: ModCloth (here)

Heels: ModCloth (here)

In June I went back to work, part time. And even if I was so so so very tired from all the anxiety that I carried with me during the days, I started feeling a bit happier. I was back to work! I love my job, so it meant so much for me, even though I couldn't really do much at first.

As July rolled past my year started getting much better. I still suffer from OCD and depression to this day and probably always will, but it started to become manageable. In August I started working with a psychologist that is an expert on OCD, and while therapy has been tougher than I could have ever imagined it would be, it has also been successful. The rest of the year has passed so quickly. Instagram and this blog have become two places where I feel happier and more at home than anywhere else. The people I've "met" during this last year have really made an impression on me, and I'm so very happy that they are in my life in one way or the other.

The last half of 2015 I've started becoming the Mona that I once knew and I've started laughing again. It feels like I've almost become a phoenix (yes the HP nerd went there...) and really have risen out of the ashes. I have joy in my life again, and it really makes all the difference!

The first half of 2015 I wasn't sure if I would still be alive at the end of the year, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to be alive at the end of the year. But I can proudly and happily say that I am very happy to be alive today! I'm very happy that I struggled through all the shit of the first half of 2015, to reach this point where I am today.

Never have I ever looked forward to a new year as much as I do now for 2016. I have such a good feeling about 2016 and I enter it with hope and joy. I know this will be a good year. I will continue my therapy and meds, and I will continue to fight against the beasts that are OCD and depression.

I have made so many new friends this last year, and social media has kept me going (as well as my family and work of course) in an indescribable way. And to everyone who has in one way or another interacted with me in the past year I just want to say: Thank You!
It means the world to me that anyone would take the time to look at and read my thoughts and opinions, and I truly have felt "seen" in this last year.

This year, 2015, is ending in such a different fashion than it began, and for that I am truly grateful. Here's to the next year! May it be all you hope for and more!

For the last time this year - Much love to all of you

In between

God fortsättning!
That's what we say in Swedish between Christmas and New Year's Eve and it basically means good continuation.

These days, between Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve are a bit dull in my opinion. I get this post-Christmas boredom, I suppose it's because it is after the whole excitement of the food and the gift-giving and getting, and so on. And the handful of days before New Year's feel like they drag along. I'm ready for the new year to start, and I can't wait for this old one to be over!

In my boredom I decided to wear a pretty outfit consisting of the blouse from Emmy Design that I got myself for Christmas. If you follow me on instagram (@curlsncakes) you know that I was wondering if people give themselves Christmas gifts. I usually do, what about you?

I sort of like the idea of giving a gift to yourself. Because in the end it's all about love, isn't it. Sure, we give gifts to some people because we "have to", but the best gifts are the ones given to people we really care about. So why not give one to yourself? It's the ultimate expression of self-love!

Blouse: Emmy Design (here)

Skirt: Chicwish (here)

Heels: ModCloth (here)

Much love to all of you!