New Year, Good bye 2015

Happy New Year!!

It's time for party (if you're into that) or hanging out on the couch with your Mum and sis eating crisps and chocolates (that's what I'm into).

It is inevitable to look back at the year that has passed so close to NYE. You think about the high and low points of the year and imagine what next year will be like. For now though, looking back at 2015: it has been one rough year of my life. It has probably been the worst year of my life, and then a better year of my life, dividing the year exactly in half.

I feel like I need to warn you guys before starting, this post will get a bit sad and heavy before it gets better, just like my 2015 has gone about.

At the start of the year my depression was at an all time high. My OCD (that I've written more about here) was the worst it's ever been, and the year started with me not being able to go back to work after the holidays. I was on temporary sick leave which made me feel all the worse. My OCD was so bad that leaving my apartment caused me crippling and unmanageable anxiety. My only trips outdoors were to my doctor's office and back home, whereupon I would scrub myself raw in the shower for hours trying to get "clean". With my disorder taking over my life my depression got bad. Real bad. In February, the month of my birthday I was dying on the inside, and hoping to die on the outside, which in itself is a thing I could write a whole post about (so I'll leave that for another time).

Medicines that I got for my depression caused side effects that affected my heart, and I ended up in the hospital for fainting a number of times a day. Only being in a hospital would make my anxiety spike, so you can understand that it was a tough time. However as the year turned to Summer I got new meds. Meds that seemed to work. The emptiness and greyness of my depression started to clear a bit. I was lucky enough to also start to get professional help at this time and gradually I started to break loose, little by little, from the claws of my OCD. By this time I had also made a whole lot of friends through instagram - golden relationships that I treasure a lot!

In May I started this blog. I personally think that it has helped me a lot in dealing with both my depression and OCD, as I have had to put it into words, and have decided to share my story with you. It made things easier. It reduced the shame I felt, and the friends I'd made through instagram and the blog were so supportive and kind, showering me with love. It also gave me something to do, something to keep my mind off of the bad things. When this blog began, I was about to start to regain my hope, which had previously been lost (I blame the depression, makes you so hopeless).

Dress: Emmy Design (here)

Bag: Emmy Design (sold out, but other colours here, here, here and here)

Petticoat: ModCloth (here)

Heels: ModCloth (here)

In June I went back to work, part time. And even if I was so so so very tired from all the anxiety that I carried with me during the days, I started feeling a bit happier. I was back to work! I love my job, so it meant so much for me, even though I couldn't really do much at first.

As July rolled past my year started getting much better. I still suffer from OCD and depression to this day and probably always will, but it started to become manageable. In August I started working with a psychologist that is an expert on OCD, and while therapy has been tougher than I could have ever imagined it would be, it has also been successful. The rest of the year has passed so quickly. Instagram and this blog have become two places where I feel happier and more at home than anywhere else. The people I've "met" during this last year have really made an impression on me, and I'm so very happy that they are in my life in one way or the other.

The last half of 2015 I've started becoming the Mona that I once knew and I've started laughing again. It feels like I've almost become a phoenix (yes the HP nerd went there...) and really have risen out of the ashes. I have joy in my life again, and it really makes all the difference!

The first half of 2015 I wasn't sure if I would still be alive at the end of the year, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to be alive at the end of the year. But I can proudly and happily say that I am very happy to be alive today! I'm very happy that I struggled through all the shit of the first half of 2015, to reach this point where I am today.

Never have I ever looked forward to a new year as much as I do now for 2016. I have such a good feeling about 2016 and I enter it with hope and joy. I know this will be a good year. I will continue my therapy and meds, and I will continue to fight against the beasts that are OCD and depression.

I have made so many new friends this last year, and social media has kept me going (as well as my family and work of course) in an indescribable way. And to everyone who has in one way or another interacted with me in the past year I just want to say: Thank You!
It means the world to me that anyone would take the time to look at and read my thoughts and opinions, and I truly have felt "seen" in this last year.

This year, 2015, is ending in such a different fashion than it began, and for that I am truly grateful. Here's to the next year! May it be all you hope for and more!

For the last time this year - Much love to all of you

Natural self

I had planned these photos of this gorgeous Poppy dress and Deer Arrow brooch set for a blog post, but this post will be so different from what I originally thought. I hope it doesn't take away anything from the lovely dress and brooch set.

My day started in an interesting manner when I was given a "compliment" on an instagram photo. I was told I don't look good in makeup, and the person who said this also said that he preferred "my natural self". Although the person had intended it as a compliment I found myself taking offence. First of all, saying I don't look good in one way is much more of an insult than a compliment. Secondly, this person preferred "my natural self". How I decide to look is a matter that is only decided by me. His sentiment for my natural self is completely irrelevant. It's my face and I'll wear makeup on it if that is what I want to do. See the actual "conversation" just below.

However, this sparked a thought that's been bothering me since. Where do people, and especially men, get the idea that they have a say at all in what I decide to look like? The discussion with this man turned to feminism, and I came to realise that this is a feminist issue.

I'm very privileged in that I live in a fairly gender equal nation. I'm not saying feminism is not needed here in Sweden, but in terms of gender equality there are places that are much worse off than Sweden. I tend to forget that all places are not like Sweden. So when the person asked me if I was a feminist and told me "I must drive my boyfriend crazy" I was strangely irritated. I am not used to comments like that. What bothered me were a multiple of assumptions that this person made:

1. Why am I assumed to be heterosexual? The spectrum of sexuality is varied and colourful. I could be anything for all you know! For the sake of this post I will share this: I do not identify as heterosexual!

2. Why am I assumed to have a boyfriend? Why do women always have to "belong" to a man? Why can't I be single? And not unhappily single and looking, but single because I don't want to belong to a man or another person! Single by choice! It's a thing - believe me!

3. Why is my assumed boyfriend assumed to not be a feminist? Feminism is not a fight for women, it is a fight for people who think that all people no matter gender or anything else should have the same social, political, economic and personal rights as the next person. It is very much a fight that men need to take on as well! If you believe in equality you are a feminist whether you like the term "feminist" or not!

And that's only a part of my thoughts. I'm rambling now, and I haven't digested the comments yet, but I needed to get my instant thoughts down somewhere before I exploded.

Moving on to this gorgeous dress by Poppy that I managed to get on sale and am so in love with! I adore the enormous skirt that is perfect for twirling and dancing around in. I love the summery stripes that make me think of hard sweets and ice lollies. I paired it with a beautiful handmade brooch from Deer Arrow's collaboration with the illustrator and my friend Morgane Carlier. The wee teapot and cup make me so happy! Which I definitely need now.

Dress: Poppy

Brooch set: Deer Arrow

Thanks to anyone who stayed with me through this long post and my ramblings. Much love to you all!

Macarons & Instagram Giveaway

I cannot believe it myself, but a total of 1000 people are following me on Instagram (@curlsncakes). That's a lot of people. So many, that I would be highly uncomfortable if I was actually around 1000 people, but the distance that the internet provides makes me feel safe. Through Instagram I've met many special people. I've met people I can call my friends and I value the relationships I've made through social media very much.

In order to celebrate 1000 people (still can't process it) following me, I am hosting a Giveaway on Instagram. I will be giving a handmade (by myself) macaron necklace to one lucky winner. It will look like the pink one I'm wearing in these pictures but the winner will be able to choose the colour of her/his preference.

So if you want a sweet little macaron necklace, find the original post on my Instagram and follow the instructions.

I love macarons. They are the perfect little pieces of sweetness. I also love making macarons, even though it can be tricky. Macarons are volatile but that's part of their charm. Because they are so unpredictable, I respect macarons greatly. A good macaron is a piece of craftsmanship at it's best.

My beautiful bow headband is from Beau xoxo, which is one of my favourite etsy shops and because the theme of today is macarons, the print is of course of colourful and cute little macarons. I adore this headband!

Dress: ModCloth (here)

Headband: Beau xoxo (here)

Necklace: Handmade by myself, but you can win one on my IG

But back to the necklace. It will be in the colour of the winner's choice and completely handmade by me, so don't forget to check out the Giveaway on my instagram!

Much love!