New Year, Good bye 2015

Happy New Year!!

It's time for party (if you're into that) or hanging out on the couch with your Mum and sis eating crisps and chocolates (that's what I'm into).

It is inevitable to look back at the year that has passed so close to NYE. You think about the high and low points of the year and imagine what next year will be like. For now though, looking back at 2015: it has been one rough year of my life. It has probably been the worst year of my life, and then a better year of my life, dividing the year exactly in half.

I feel like I need to warn you guys before starting, this post will get a bit sad and heavy before it gets better, just like my 2015 has gone about.

At the start of the year my depression was at an all time high. My OCD (that I've written more about here) was the worst it's ever been, and the year started with me not being able to go back to work after the holidays. I was on temporary sick leave which made me feel all the worse. My OCD was so bad that leaving my apartment caused me crippling and unmanageable anxiety. My only trips outdoors were to my doctor's office and back home, whereupon I would scrub myself raw in the shower for hours trying to get "clean". With my disorder taking over my life my depression got bad. Real bad. In February, the month of my birthday I was dying on the inside, and hoping to die on the outside, which in itself is a thing I could write a whole post about (so I'll leave that for another time).

Medicines that I got for my depression caused side effects that affected my heart, and I ended up in the hospital for fainting a number of times a day. Only being in a hospital would make my anxiety spike, so you can understand that it was a tough time. However as the year turned to Summer I got new meds. Meds that seemed to work. The emptiness and greyness of my depression started to clear a bit. I was lucky enough to also start to get professional help at this time and gradually I started to break loose, little by little, from the claws of my OCD. By this time I had also made a whole lot of friends through instagram - golden relationships that I treasure a lot!

In May I started this blog. I personally think that it has helped me a lot in dealing with both my depression and OCD, as I have had to put it into words, and have decided to share my story with you. It made things easier. It reduced the shame I felt, and the friends I'd made through instagram and the blog were so supportive and kind, showering me with love. It also gave me something to do, something to keep my mind off of the bad things. When this blog began, I was about to start to regain my hope, which had previously been lost (I blame the depression, makes you so hopeless).

Dress: Emmy Design (here)

Bag: Emmy Design (sold out, but other colours here, here, here and here)

Petticoat: ModCloth (here)

Heels: ModCloth (here)

In June I went back to work, part time. And even if I was so so so very tired from all the anxiety that I carried with me during the days, I started feeling a bit happier. I was back to work! I love my job, so it meant so much for me, even though I couldn't really do much at first.

As July rolled past my year started getting much better. I still suffer from OCD and depression to this day and probably always will, but it started to become manageable. In August I started working with a psychologist that is an expert on OCD, and while therapy has been tougher than I could have ever imagined it would be, it has also been successful. The rest of the year has passed so quickly. Instagram and this blog have become two places where I feel happier and more at home than anywhere else. The people I've "met" during this last year have really made an impression on me, and I'm so very happy that they are in my life in one way or the other.

The last half of 2015 I've started becoming the Mona that I once knew and I've started laughing again. It feels like I've almost become a phoenix (yes the HP nerd went there...) and really have risen out of the ashes. I have joy in my life again, and it really makes all the difference!

The first half of 2015 I wasn't sure if I would still be alive at the end of the year, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to be alive at the end of the year. But I can proudly and happily say that I am very happy to be alive today! I'm very happy that I struggled through all the shit of the first half of 2015, to reach this point where I am today.

Never have I ever looked forward to a new year as much as I do now for 2016. I have such a good feeling about 2016 and I enter it with hope and joy. I know this will be a good year. I will continue my therapy and meds, and I will continue to fight against the beasts that are OCD and depression.

I have made so many new friends this last year, and social media has kept me going (as well as my family and work of course) in an indescribable way. And to everyone who has in one way or another interacted with me in the past year I just want to say: Thank You!
It means the world to me that anyone would take the time to look at and read my thoughts and opinions, and I truly have felt "seen" in this last year.

This year, 2015, is ending in such a different fashion than it began, and for that I am truly grateful. Here's to the next year! May it be all you hope for and more!

For the last time this year - Much love to all of you

My OCD story

This week is the international OCD awareness week, and as it is a special occasion I've decided to write a little bit about my own OCD. This is difficult for me to be open about, but I feel like it is something that I will do at some point, so why not now?

Before I start with my own experience with OCD I want to clear things up by defining what OCD is.
OCD stands for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and is a debilitating mental disorder and anxiety disorder. It starts with obsessions, better described as intrusive thoughts. That is, thoughts that you don't want to have, usually something that makes you highly uncomfortable. These are thoughts that persist even when you try to ignore or confront them. On an intellectual level you know that the obsession is not corresponding with reality. The obsession causes great anxiety.

Some people only have the intrusive thoughts and might have no or mental compulsions. This is called Primarily Obsessional OCD, or Pure-O. Others with OCD will perform compulsions. Whether the compulsion is mental or not, it is performed because it decreases the anxiety that is brought on by the obsession. Sometimes an OCD sufferer will have to perform a compulsion just because it "feels right". The feeling is that the compulsive action will either relieve the obsession, or it feels necessary to act on it to avoid the dreaded intrusive thoughts.

Even though sufferers usually know that the compulsions are not necessary or exaggerated they will perform them as a sort of escape from the obsession, but the relief is only temporary. Compulsions are very different from habits that are done because you want to. Compulsions are performed because you feel like you have to. Habits bring efficiency to life, while compulsions disrupt life. Which leads us to the next characteristic of OCD. Which is that sufferers spend hours performing the compulsions every day. It's not a one time thing, but it interferes with life.

So now that we know what OCD is lets talk about what OCD is not.
OCD is not a quirk, or a trait. It does not have anything to do with being neat, organised or clean. It is not a superpower (as suggested by the tv-series Monk). Using OCD or any other mental disorder as a nickname for things that people do, think or say will minimise the disorder and increase stigma. It is done a lot, especially for OCD. My favourite tv-show Doctor Who has on multiple occasions joked about and trivialised OCD. But I think it is only because people do not really understand what the disorder is. My mission is to talk about OCD now, once and for all. Talk about how disruptive and debilitating it can be. So that maybe next time you hear someone say they are "so OCD" about something you can educate them.

My own OCD started almost seven years ago. It started very mildly with me being concerned about being "clean enough". I started avoiding shaking hands and touching door handles. Five years down the line my OCD had gotten to the point where everything was contaminated in my mind, I could no longer touch or be touched by anybody. I couldn't hug my own mother. The fear of germs and contamination made life difficult to the point where I was always scared when being around people, which is almost all the time. I would spend several hours of each day cleaning myself and my surroundings only to do it again the next day. When I was at my worst I washed my hands between 90-100 times a day. It was not very strange then that my hands had transformed, becoming red, inflamed and cracked. I bled from my hands about once a day. The picture that I accidentally took underneath this text shows my hands when they were really bad, but not their worst. It is not edited in any way and it even looks less horrible in the picture compared to reality.

I'm not showing a picture of my destroyed hands for you to feel sorry for me. I just wanted to show you that a mental illness can become something that affects your physical health. However the physical signs of the illness is nothing compared to what is going on inside of you. The fear and uncertainty is so real, and so extreme that it occupies all of your thoughts. And with that depression often follows. Depression is often seen in people with OCD and the writer of an OCD workbook described it like this: "Indeed, having OCD can be very depressive". Which as a sufferer of both, I can only say is true. My own OCD made me not be able to leave the flat eventually. I was housebound and completely unhappy, so my depression worsened and I became bedbound because I could not find any reason to get out of bed when it was a constant of cleaning and washing that was waiting for me. When I was at my worst I was suicidal, because I felt trapped in my mind and in my compulsions. The OCD affected and controlled all parts of my life. I had rituals for everything. I had to eat a certain way, wash a certain way, sleep a certain way, walk a certain way, just being was dictated by my illness. My life consisted of fear, anxiety, dark thoughts and my compulsions. It really was no life worth living at all...

I am very happy to be able to write that I am better now. I take two different types of medications against my OCD and depression and have started therapy successfully. I want all of you to know that you can hit rock bottom and then go even further down like I did and yet find a way back. I'm not cured, I still struggle with my OCD every minute of every day, but I have methods of coping, and I feel more free. That's why it is so important to talk about mental health, mental illness, suicidal thoughts, treatments and help. Because there is help out there!


If you want to know more about OCD I suggest that you check out the International OCD foundation: IOCDF

or OCD-UK

Another great place to quickly learn more about OCD is: That's OCD

This video by Hank Green and Crash Course also does a great job of describing the disorder and anxiety:

I hope you now understand what OCD is, and what it is not. I hope I have an ally in you in the fight against the stigma that is associated with mental illness. And I hope that you will carry on educating people and raising awareness about mental health and OCD.

Much love!