When you're feeling low...

Hello lovely people.
You truly are lovely, and I got so much support from so many of you here and on Instagram in the past weeks. As I mentioned in my last post, my depression and anxiety hit me hard these past weeks, and I felt very low and unmotivated. I am now feeling much better, I readily smile and I feel hopeful. However, I thought it could be a good idea to talk some more about depression, so this post will be a little bit about what depression is, and how I personally think you should deal with it as someone who suffers or who is close to those who suffer.

Now we all have ups and downs in life that will make us feel sad at times, and I'm not saying it isn't hard to be sad but depression is different in that it persists for two weeks or more, or is recurrent. For me personally I feel like depression isn't so much sadness as it is an "emptiness". Emptiness and despair takes hold of you and it doesn't seem to want to let go. This in turn makes you unmotivated, and makes it hard to enjoy life and function through daily tasks. Just getting through the day can be totally overwhelming. But - Good news, it can get better! No matter how hopeless you feel it can always get better!

Some symptoms of depression are:

• Persistent sadness, emptiness or low mood
• Feelings of hopelessness
• Feelings of worthlessness and/or guilt
• Irritability and/or anger
• Lost interest or pleasure in daily activities or hobbies
• Decreased energy, fatigue, tiredness
• Difficulty concentrating
• Difficulty sleeping
• Aches and pains that cannot be explained by other illnesses
• Appetite and/or weight changes
• Thoughts of death and/or suicide

These are not all the symptoms, but the most common ones. And one person may not experience all of these symptoms, a person with depression can have some or many of these symptoms.

If you do have any of these symptoms please contact your doctor or another health care provider. Most importantly if you have the last symptom - please seek help immediately. There is help out there and you can feel better, the pain can go away with therapy and medicine. Please trust me on this one.

Now on to things that is very important to know about depression. 

First of all, depression is a real illness. It is not a sign of weakness or a character flaw. It is in fact partly due to chemical imbalances in the brain, and biological under-activation/over-activation of areas of the brain. You most certainly cannot "snap out of" clinical depression. And most people who suffer from depression will need treatment to get better.

Depression affects people in different ways. And the treatments will also work differently for different people. The people suffering will need different kinds of support and help. So it is very important to ask the people experiencing depression what kind of help they want/need. Number one tip I have for you who want to help a person suffering from depression is to let them know that you are there for them. And it can be as easy as flat out saying "I am here for you if/when you need me". Let the depressed person know that you are willing to talk and listen. Remember to listen. It is sometimes more important than talking!

For me personally I very much like it when someone tells me they're thinking of me. I don't like people to tell me it will pass. I know it will, but when I am in that low place it doesn't feel like it will pass, and everything is dreary and dark. Someone telling me it will pass or to cheer up, makes me feel worse, because it makes me feel as if this illness is my fault, and then I feel more guilty than I already do. Instead let the people know that you understand that they are going through a hard time, but that you are there for them.

Another thing that I appreciate very much is people being with me. Spending time with me, even if we're not interacting directly. It could be that we're watching a film together. Or just sitting in the same room. Write to me, or talk to me about anything between heaven and earth. This sort of confirms to me that you really are there for me.

And for the people suffering themselves - try to fill up as much time as you can with the people you love. Do the things you normally would like to do (even if it at this time does not seem interesting or fun). Try to fill your life with people and things you love. Try to sleep and eat well (as best you can, it's a tricky one, I know). Sleep when you're tired (which can be all the day... so be it). And let it take its course. Be kind to yourself.

Accept that this is an illness just like any other and that you are sick. For me that fact did a lot in allowing myself to feel bad without the guilt. Reach out to someone! Whether it is a friend or family, or a health care provider. Talk to people. Let people know you are not feeling your best. And allow yourself to feel sad, empty, frustrated and more. Cry if you need to, usually it releases something tense within, so it can feel like a relief. Don't be ashamed of your feelings. Feel what you feel, and try to never lose hope (which in itself is close to impossible with depression, I know...).

I was much better equipped at dealing with my bout of depression this time than the last time I felt it. I was open about it, on Instagram and with my family, which made things easier for me. And because I had dealt with it before I knew that I could get better. I am now actually feeling loads better. I have days when I feel low, empty and tired, but all in all it is getting better. It is with a smile that I write this, and I want to show you how happy I look. And yes, I've cut a fringe :)

Today and everyday, take care of yourself and one another.

Much love,

My OCD story

This week is the international OCD awareness week, and as it is a special occasion I've decided to write a little bit about my own OCD. This is difficult for me to be open about, but I feel like it is something that I will do at some point, so why not now?

Before I start with my own experience with OCD I want to clear things up by defining what OCD is.
OCD stands for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and is a debilitating mental disorder and anxiety disorder. It starts with obsessions, better described as intrusive thoughts. That is, thoughts that you don't want to have, usually something that makes you highly uncomfortable. These are thoughts that persist even when you try to ignore or confront them. On an intellectual level you know that the obsession is not corresponding with reality. The obsession causes great anxiety.

Some people only have the intrusive thoughts and might have no or mental compulsions. This is called Primarily Obsessional OCD, or Pure-O. Others with OCD will perform compulsions. Whether the compulsion is mental or not, it is performed because it decreases the anxiety that is brought on by the obsession. Sometimes an OCD sufferer will have to perform a compulsion just because it "feels right". The feeling is that the compulsive action will either relieve the obsession, or it feels necessary to act on it to avoid the dreaded intrusive thoughts.

Even though sufferers usually know that the compulsions are not necessary or exaggerated they will perform them as a sort of escape from the obsession, but the relief is only temporary. Compulsions are very different from habits that are done because you want to. Compulsions are performed because you feel like you have to. Habits bring efficiency to life, while compulsions disrupt life. Which leads us to the next characteristic of OCD. Which is that sufferers spend hours performing the compulsions every day. It's not a one time thing, but it interferes with life.

So now that we know what OCD is lets talk about what OCD is not.
OCD is not a quirk, or a trait. It does not have anything to do with being neat, organised or clean. It is not a superpower (as suggested by the tv-series Monk). Using OCD or any other mental disorder as a nickname for things that people do, think or say will minimise the disorder and increase stigma. It is done a lot, especially for OCD. My favourite tv-show Doctor Who has on multiple occasions joked about and trivialised OCD. But I think it is only because people do not really understand what the disorder is. My mission is to talk about OCD now, once and for all. Talk about how disruptive and debilitating it can be. So that maybe next time you hear someone say they are "so OCD" about something you can educate them.

My own OCD started almost seven years ago. It started very mildly with me being concerned about being "clean enough". I started avoiding shaking hands and touching door handles. Five years down the line my OCD had gotten to the point where everything was contaminated in my mind, I could no longer touch or be touched by anybody. I couldn't hug my own mother. The fear of germs and contamination made life difficult to the point where I was always scared when being around people, which is almost all the time. I would spend several hours of each day cleaning myself and my surroundings only to do it again the next day. When I was at my worst I washed my hands between 90-100 times a day. It was not very strange then that my hands had transformed, becoming red, inflamed and cracked. I bled from my hands about once a day. The picture that I accidentally took underneath this text shows my hands when they were really bad, but not their worst. It is not edited in any way and it even looks less horrible in the picture compared to reality.

I'm not showing a picture of my destroyed hands for you to feel sorry for me. I just wanted to show you that a mental illness can become something that affects your physical health. However the physical signs of the illness is nothing compared to what is going on inside of you. The fear and uncertainty is so real, and so extreme that it occupies all of your thoughts. And with that depression often follows. Depression is often seen in people with OCD and the writer of an OCD workbook described it like this: "Indeed, having OCD can be very depressive". Which as a sufferer of both, I can only say is true. My own OCD made me not be able to leave the flat eventually. I was housebound and completely unhappy, so my depression worsened and I became bedbound because I could not find any reason to get out of bed when it was a constant of cleaning and washing that was waiting for me. When I was at my worst I was suicidal, because I felt trapped in my mind and in my compulsions. The OCD affected and controlled all parts of my life. I had rituals for everything. I had to eat a certain way, wash a certain way, sleep a certain way, walk a certain way, just being was dictated by my illness. My life consisted of fear, anxiety, dark thoughts and my compulsions. It really was no life worth living at all...

I am very happy to be able to write that I am better now. I take two different types of medications against my OCD and depression and have started therapy successfully. I want all of you to know that you can hit rock bottom and then go even further down like I did and yet find a way back. I'm not cured, I still struggle with my OCD every minute of every day, but I have methods of coping, and I feel more free. That's why it is so important to talk about mental health, mental illness, suicidal thoughts, treatments and help. Because there is help out there!


If you want to know more about OCD I suggest that you check out the International OCD foundation: IOCDF

or OCD-UK

Another great place to quickly learn more about OCD is: That's OCD

This video by Hank Green and Crash Course also does a great job of describing the disorder and anxiety:

I hope you now understand what OCD is, and what it is not. I hope I have an ally in you in the fight against the stigma that is associated with mental illness. And I hope that you will carry on educating people and raising awareness about mental health and OCD.

Much love!

Fear, Anxiety and Saying "Yes" to New Experiences

This is going to be a rather personal post, but I feel like it is the direction I want my blog to take. I want to start posting about more important things and one of those things is mental illness and awareness of mental illness.

Let's rewind for a second and talk about new experiences.
I recently went golfing for the first time ever in my life and I was close to not taking part of it at all. I suffer from OCD, anxiety and depression, so anything new is scary for me. My mind works in a way where every situation can become potentially dangerous within a matter of seconds. Uncertainty is my enemy, and I worry. A lot. And about everything. So playing golf, although it sounds harmless enough, had me nervous for days prior to game day. It wasn't so much about the golf that I was worried about, but because of my OCD and anxiety any new experience is frightening to the point where I for many years stopped doing anything new where I would be in an uncertain environment.

I've come to realise during the years where I've avoided everything (almost everything), that life really is about experiences. I didn't turn out to be a natural at golf (but I looked cute while golfing in my striped dress). I wasn't very good at all, but it was more fun than I expected it to be. The point I want to reach is that doing things you haven't before can be scary for anyone (whether or not you suffer from anxiety disorders), but if I managed to go golfing then surely I can also do other things that scare me. Say "Yes" to new experiences because they're what your life will be about in the end.

Dress: ModCloth (here)

Because I am a scientist by day, I have to take this opportunity and talk about the science behind fear and when that goes wrong and turns into anxiety disorders or phobias. Fear is a natural and healthy response to potential threats or harm. Fear is good. Fear is what has kept humans alive for all these years, our instinct of fight-or-flight has maintained us as a species. The amygdala is a part of the brain that is associated with fear. When the senses pick up on something that may be threatening or harmful the signal is sent through the brain to the amygdala. The amygdala activates autonomic responses and makes sure that hormones are secreted that elicit the feeling of fear, or more importantly an alertness that results in the fight-or-flight response. Some of the hormones that are secreted are epinephrine, norepinephrine and cortisol. These hormones make the heart beat faster, the blood flow increases and glucose is released (among other things). The body is ready to move quickly (i.e. run) or fight off the threat at this point.

Once the threat is gone the brain will signal this so the hormones will not be secreted anymore. The problem with anxiety disorders and phobias etc. is that something has gone wrong somewhere in the mechanism, and therefore fear is perceived when there is no real threat. The feelings are out of control. As someone who suffers from anxiety, I know that the threat can feel incredibly real. At times you know your fear is irrational, but there are also times when it feels like it is completely justified (your brain is deceiving you). However, it is important to remember that the feeling of fear is as real for the person with a disorder as the person actually posed with a threat. It's the same feeling, and you are just as unable to control it. So if you yourself suffer from an anxiety disorder or a phobia - just living is an amazing feat that you are doing! And if you know anyone with an anxiety disorder, know that what they are feeling is completely beyond their control, and remember how you feel yourself when you are afraid. Be kind.

I think I have reached the end of what I wanted to talk about for today, I just want to end by saying that it is difficult for me to write about mental illness, but I am resolved to do so - because realising that it is okay to speak about it will help end the stigma, and might encourage someone else to raise awareness.
Take care of yourselves!

Much love!