#IAMxTHELIGHT

The gorgeous inspiration and youtuber Nia the Light (IG: @niathelight) created this beautiful challenge where you're supposed to list the things you are and own it!

For a sufferer of depression like myself it's not always easy to express self-appreciation or self-love. This past week has been a really difficult one for me. I've had a really rough time with my OCD and I have been very low. Things have been dark and dreary, hazy and grey. So this challenge was just what I needed. I very rarely compliment myself, and I very rarely have positive thoughts about myself. However, because of this challenge I wrote a list of all the things I think I am. Then I crossed over the negative words. In the video below I decided to omit the negatives and only say the positives and neutrals. It felt surprisingly good to make a video only saying nice things about myself.

So I want to pass on this challenge... If you do it, please let me know.

And thank you Nia for this incredibly difficult and eye-opening challenge.

Much love,
Mona

Autumn Allure

Hi all,
I've been longing to write a bit so here comes a blog post.
In the latest post I wrote about what had happened in 2017 and the beginning of 2018, and since then really nothing has changed. I'm still waiting for therapy, I'm still on sick leave, I'm still not doing any research, and I still feel a bit hopeless. It's difficult to keep up the hope when you still have 6 months to go until you get any proper professional help.

The physicians, that only contact me by telephone, keep changing my medicine because I'm still not doing well, but in reality they know, just like me, that the best treatment for depression and OCD is CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy). The problem is that there aren't enough resources for mental illness. There is so much more funding for research of physical illnesses than there is for mental illnesses. I, myself, work with cancer research, but even I think that more money needs to be put into mental health/illness research rather than physical illnesses. I'm not saying that physical illnesses are unimportant, but if we keep saying that mental health is as important as physical health, but then do nothing to validate this saying the stigma attached to mental health issues will never ever come to an end.

Luckily I have the support of family and friends, and I'm dancing a lot to try and help me get out. I've also noticed that going into woods is very soothing. Anyone that knows me at all, knows that I am not an outdoorsy type of person not in the slightest. I much prefer to sit in my armchair at home with a nice book or a cuppa. However, autumn has a unique allure that draws me out into the woods.

Just a week ago my sister and I went out and photographed a bit. I was wearing my Son de Flor dress that in itself has an allure that can't quite be described. This dress makes me want to twirl to the end of the world and back. It a magical dress from an equally magical brand.

Dress: Son de Flor (here)
Cardigan: Lindex (old)

Belt: Can't remember

Scarf: Through LootCrate's Wizarding World Subscription Box (here)

Boots: A sporty shop in London that I can't remember the name of

Which season has an allure to you? For me, it is always autumn. The colours of the trees, the crunching of the leaves under your lace up boots. The cold sharp air and the pale sun, all have a special place in my heart.

I hope you are all enjoying the season. Much love,
Mona

Dungaree fun

Hello everyone,

Last week I posted a mini blog post with a fun little video that I had made, but I thought I’d write a proper post today. Not regarding the previous post as a “real” blog post the latest post was in the end of July of 2017. So, what has happened since?

Well, to be honest, a lot has happened, the most noticeable would be that my hair is now lighter and shorter. In the post back in 2017 I wrote that I am having a hard time fitting blogging into my life, and I wrote I didn’t know if it was a lack of time, inspiration or content, and now in hindsight I can say that  it was all three with the addition of a deteriorating mental health. At the end of last summer my depression was creeping back, and I was frustrated that it was back. It got quite dark and I once again questioned my being alive, as I often do when the depression is back. I had ended all my medication, but had to see a doctor to get help, because I was very quickly slipping into a very very dark place. I was once again started on new medicine. I did not get better and that took it’s toll on my relationship with my then-boyfriend. I spent the better time of the autumn getting on and off different medication and basically crying. Feeling like life was, once again, really tough. I was lucky to have the support of beautiful friends, and the undying love from my family (that I could not live without). I also started seeing a therapist, which is expensive but was very much worth it at that time. In December I broke up with my then-boyfriend, and post-Christmas things started getting a little better. I got a medicine that worked a little bit better and things weren’t black as night, but more of a grey.

For most of the spring I don’t feel like I quite did anything at all. I was very busy though. My dearest sister got her PhD degree and spring sprung like springs do. I busied myself with dancing. Dance has been one of my life’s saviours. When I dance I am so focused that I am completely in the moment. There is no time to worry about the future or thresh in the past, it is only then and there. It is only now. I feel like I am completely in the moment and completely gone, all at the same time. It is nothing quite like it and I love it. Dance is a great therapy for me.

In march I found out that it will take one year before I will be able to see a psychiatrist. I am currently in the queue, waiting for that. And in the meantime I feel like my life is on hold. I write a lot, about how I feel and updates on Instagram (@curlsncake). I wrote a post on Instagram about my current feelings only a couple of days ago. Like I already mentioned, I feel like my life is in a pause. I’m not well enough to do my research, and am on sick leave from that. The research itself is bad for my health as it is a very highly demanding job and it gives me anxiety. I doubt my abilities and I feel like I will never be good or smart enough to manage my research, so I worry. I worry about who I am, if I am not a scientist. I worry about what my future holds, if anything at all. And I worry about my worth. I feel worthless and stupid. My depression however is better. I have bad days, but most are okay. Not good, but manageable. It’s just that my anxiety is so high and I feel like there isn’t one thing that I’m not worried about. I feel very unsure about everything…

I try to be creative though, with baking and makeup. Coordinating outfits and dancing when I can. I feel very tired very often, and most often than not I need breaks to be able to finish something, because my energy is low. I meet up with kind and good friends that give me joy, and I hang a lot on Instagram. I’ve noticed that being creative helps. It gives something to the soul that truly nothing else can give you. And that, my friends, is why this blog is back in business. I think I need this blog now more than ever. If you are reading this, then I am so happy that also you are back here. Thank You!

Finally, on to this outfit. I adore these dungarees from Lucy & Yak. I saw these dungarees in lilac on Instagram worn by none other than the gorgeous Magnus, and she suggested I get a red pair. As the faithful follower I am, I got a red pair, and I am in LOVE! These dungarees are the comfiest thing I’ve ever worn, and it’s super duper cute too. I just love them so much. I wore it with a t-shirt from Monki and I was good to go. My sister and I shot these photos and I had so much fun. These dungarees make me sillier than what I am, and I just felt like a happy, playful child in them!

 

T-shirt: Monki (here)

Dungarees: Lucy and Yak (here)

Shoes: Ecco (old)

What do you think about dungarees? Are they in or out? Would you wear them, and if yes, in which colours?

Once again, I want to thank you so much for reading this. You really are wonderful people made of diamonds and pure gold, and I think you are all wonderful.

Much love,
Mona

Waves

Hello all you wonderful people!
Hope you are doing well. I've had a rough week, with a lot of anxiety, and a low mood. Things haven't been as good as I've wanted them to be. Anxiety comes to me at certain times, it just hits me like a big freight train that comes out of nowhere. It is very hard to deal with it, and because of my comorbidity with OCD my anxiety makes my compulsions worse, which makes it feel like I take a step back in my recovery.

What is important to remember with any disease, especially mental health disorders, is that recovery is not linear. It does not go from bad to better and then good. It goes up and down and down and up, constantly changing like waves. With chronic illnesses like a lot of mental health disorders - complete recovery and being "cured" is not a possibility and accepting that takes time. I feel like I have come to terms with OCD, anxiety and depression being a constant part of my life, but I still get weighed down when I have a dip.

I don't really know where I wanted to go with this post, I just want to be honest on the blog, and I want it to be clear that I don't always feel okay. And it's okay not to feel okay. Be kind to yourself, especially when you are feeling bad.

I am personally feeling loads better, the intensity of my anxiety has decreased. I had a great Friday evening and I just wanted to thank all those people who wrote kind and caring words to me during this hard week.

I hope you will all have a fantastic weekend! I am going to rest myself so that I am ready for next week! What are your weekend plans?

Blouse: Chicwish (old)

Skirt: Vivien of Holloway (here)

Petticoat: ModCloth (here)

Heels: BAIT footwear via Unique Vintage (here)

About the outfit, real quickly. I wore my lovely red Vivien of Holloway circle skirt again (last time), but I paired it with an old batwinged blouse from Chicwish. Finally I added some Ione heels from BAIT that are both comfy and so pretty. The inspiration behind this outfit was again the character Ann from Roman Holiday played by the one and only Audrey Hepburn. This was inspired by her outfit pre-makeover.

Take care of yourselves and each other!

Much love,

#MHAW16

Hello all you wonderful people!
I don't say anything for a week and then I update my blog twice in less than one hour, but it's a special occasion!

It's Mental Health Awareness Week 2016!!

The wonderful Nora from NoraFinds informed me about it. And my first thought was "How did I miss this?". My second thought however was that I have to write a blog post about mental health.

I have previously mentioned my struggles with mental illness on the blog (here, here and here). I suffer from OCD, anxiety and depression, so for me mental health awareness is super important. For the sake of this special week, I wanted to try and put into words why mental health awareness is so crucial to talk about.

Mental health is extremely important, and very underrated. If you are mentally healthy, then it might be difficult to understand what the big deal is. But here's the thing, you can't really imagine being mentally ill until you become mentally ill. It is easy to imagine having a broken bone in the body. But an unhealthy mental condition is very hard to imagine.

So for that reason alone, it is super important that the people that experience mental health problems talk about it, to increase the understanding in the people who are lucky enough not to suffer.

But for people to start talking about mental health issues it has to become okay to talk about it. The stigma needs to be removed, and it needs to be accepted. For that to happen we need more understanding which comes from talking about it. So you see, it's a catch-22.

Some brave people (and I suppose that also includes me) are talking about mental health and illness, even though there is still a lot a stigma attached to it. But this needs to be done, because mental illness affects a big proportion of the world!

We need to stop viewing mental illnesses as something that can be turned off by the flick of a switch. Mental illnesses are legitimate illnesses! They are just as real as cancer, diabetes and the flu. Take it from me, I'm a cancer researcher.

But seriously, if we're going to change the way we look at mental illnesses and mental health we have to become more open about it as a community. We have to stop silencing people that need to talk about it, we have to stop attaching guilt and shame to it. Once we've done that it'll become just as easy to say "I had the flu last week" as "I suffer from depression".

I think my rant is done.
So I want to finish up this post by saying this...
If you are suffering from mental health issues, don't be afraid to ask for help. There is no shame in it. If you break a bone you go to the doctor, if you suffer from mental illness (or think you do) then you should also see a doctor. Talk about it if you can. With anyone!
And I want anyone reading this to know that you can always contact me (you'll find my email address under 'Contact') if you need to.

Be well!
Much love,

When you're feeling low...

Hello lovely people.
You truly are lovely, and I got so much support from so many of you here and on Instagram in the past weeks. As I mentioned in my last post, my depression and anxiety hit me hard these past weeks, and I felt very low and unmotivated. I am now feeling much better, I readily smile and I feel hopeful. However, I thought it could be a good idea to talk some more about depression, so this post will be a little bit about what depression is, and how I personally think you should deal with it as someone who suffers or who is close to those who suffer.

Now we all have ups and downs in life that will make us feel sad at times, and I'm not saying it isn't hard to be sad but depression is different in that it persists for two weeks or more, or is recurrent. For me personally I feel like depression isn't so much sadness as it is an "emptiness". Emptiness and despair takes hold of you and it doesn't seem to want to let go. This in turn makes you unmotivated, and makes it hard to enjoy life and function through daily tasks. Just getting through the day can be totally overwhelming. But - Good news, it can get better! No matter how hopeless you feel it can always get better!

Some symptoms of depression are:

• Persistent sadness, emptiness or low mood
• Feelings of hopelessness
• Feelings of worthlessness and/or guilt
• Irritability and/or anger
• Lost interest or pleasure in daily activities or hobbies
• Decreased energy, fatigue, tiredness
• Difficulty concentrating
• Difficulty sleeping
• Aches and pains that cannot be explained by other illnesses
• Appetite and/or weight changes
• Thoughts of death and/or suicide

These are not all the symptoms, but the most common ones. And one person may not experience all of these symptoms, a person with depression can have some or many of these symptoms.

If you do have any of these symptoms please contact your doctor or another health care provider. Most importantly if you have the last symptom - please seek help immediately. There is help out there and you can feel better, the pain can go away with therapy and medicine. Please trust me on this one.

Now on to things that is very important to know about depression. 

First of all, depression is a real illness. It is not a sign of weakness or a character flaw. It is in fact partly due to chemical imbalances in the brain, and biological under-activation/over-activation of areas of the brain. You most certainly cannot "snap out of" clinical depression. And most people who suffer from depression will need treatment to get better.

Depression affects people in different ways. And the treatments will also work differently for different people. The people suffering will need different kinds of support and help. So it is very important to ask the people experiencing depression what kind of help they want/need. Number one tip I have for you who want to help a person suffering from depression is to let them know that you are there for them. And it can be as easy as flat out saying "I am here for you if/when you need me". Let the depressed person know that you are willing to talk and listen. Remember to listen. It is sometimes more important than talking!

For me personally I very much like it when someone tells me they're thinking of me. I don't like people to tell me it will pass. I know it will, but when I am in that low place it doesn't feel like it will pass, and everything is dreary and dark. Someone telling me it will pass or to cheer up, makes me feel worse, because it makes me feel as if this illness is my fault, and then I feel more guilty than I already do. Instead let the people know that you understand that they are going through a hard time, but that you are there for them.

Another thing that I appreciate very much is people being with me. Spending time with me, even if we're not interacting directly. It could be that we're watching a film together. Or just sitting in the same room. Write to me, or talk to me about anything between heaven and earth. This sort of confirms to me that you really are there for me.

And for the people suffering themselves - try to fill up as much time as you can with the people you love. Do the things you normally would like to do (even if it at this time does not seem interesting or fun). Try to fill your life with people and things you love. Try to sleep and eat well (as best you can, it's a tricky one, I know). Sleep when you're tired (which can be all the day... so be it). And let it take its course. Be kind to yourself.

Accept that this is an illness just like any other and that you are sick. For me that fact did a lot in allowing myself to feel bad without the guilt. Reach out to someone! Whether it is a friend or family, or a health care provider. Talk to people. Let people know you are not feeling your best. And allow yourself to feel sad, empty, frustrated and more. Cry if you need to, usually it releases something tense within, so it can feel like a relief. Don't be ashamed of your feelings. Feel what you feel, and try to never lose hope (which in itself is close to impossible with depression, I know...).

I was much better equipped at dealing with my bout of depression this time than the last time I felt it. I was open about it, on Instagram and with my family, which made things easier for me. And because I had dealt with it before I knew that I could get better. I am now actually feeling loads better. I have days when I feel low, empty and tired, but all in all it is getting better. It is with a smile that I write this, and I want to show you how happy I look. And yes, I've cut a fringe :)

Today and everyday, take care of yourself and one another.

Much love,

A Small Thanks

The new year had started. It's time for new beginnings, but I want to start this year by thanking you all for the support I received on my last post of 2015.

Writing about your personal life isn't always easy. Granted, for me it is easier to write about it than to talk about it, being the introvert that I am. But even so, writing about yourself isn't easy. And it is difficult to know how far you want to go, how much you want to let people in. This is especially true when you have a disease. And probably even more true when you suffer from mental illness, which is so stigmatised.

Writing about my depression, OCD and anxiety was not something I really thought much about the first time around. I didn't go in to many details about how my disorders made me feel, but tried to describe how they are. So it was easy in a way. The latest post I wrote, about my 2015, on the other hand, I thought a lot about. It got quite personal, and for some time I was unsure on whether or not I wanted to let you in so close to me.

The reactions I got from the post made me realise I had nothing to worry about. Again, I must thank all of you that have reached out to me after that post. It meant everything to me that you would let alone read it, and as it has become one of the most popular posts of mine, I can know for a fact that it has been read. But to get all those sweet, caring, understanding and intelligent comments, both here on the blog and on Instagram gave me a whole new gratitude to my readers/followers. I can't thank you enough - you are all worth your weight in gold! If the world was filled with people like you it would be paradise on earth.

I have to stop now, before I get too emotional.

Let's talk about the dress instead. I believe a black, sleeveless, velvet dress is a wardrobe essential. It is like one of the essential amino acids, you just need to have it in your wardrobe to create outfits around. This one that I'm wearing has been on my wishlist for close to a year, but it's from the AW14 collection of Book of Deer, so I was only lucky enough to get one recently when Book of Deer had a sale of the old collection. It is still available, and I can truly recommend it. Not only is it a lovely baby doll silhouette, but it has got amazingly delicate and beautiful details, that do not show very well in my pictures.

After a year of pining for this dress I can conclude, patience is a virtue. 

Dress: Book of Deer (here)

Blouse: H&M (old)

Overknee socks: H&M (old)

Heels: ModCloth (here)

Much love,

My OCD story

This week is the international OCD awareness week, and as it is a special occasion I've decided to write a little bit about my own OCD. This is difficult for me to be open about, but I feel like it is something that I will do at some point, so why not now?

Before I start with my own experience with OCD I want to clear things up by defining what OCD is.
OCD stands for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and is a debilitating mental disorder and anxiety disorder. It starts with obsessions, better described as intrusive thoughts. That is, thoughts that you don't want to have, usually something that makes you highly uncomfortable. These are thoughts that persist even when you try to ignore or confront them. On an intellectual level you know that the obsession is not corresponding with reality. The obsession causes great anxiety.

Some people only have the intrusive thoughts and might have no or mental compulsions. This is called Primarily Obsessional OCD, or Pure-O. Others with OCD will perform compulsions. Whether the compulsion is mental or not, it is performed because it decreases the anxiety that is brought on by the obsession. Sometimes an OCD sufferer will have to perform a compulsion just because it "feels right". The feeling is that the compulsive action will either relieve the obsession, or it feels necessary to act on it to avoid the dreaded intrusive thoughts.

Even though sufferers usually know that the compulsions are not necessary or exaggerated they will perform them as a sort of escape from the obsession, but the relief is only temporary. Compulsions are very different from habits that are done because you want to. Compulsions are performed because you feel like you have to. Habits bring efficiency to life, while compulsions disrupt life. Which leads us to the next characteristic of OCD. Which is that sufferers spend hours performing the compulsions every day. It's not a one time thing, but it interferes with life.

So now that we know what OCD is lets talk about what OCD is not.
OCD is not a quirk, or a trait. It does not have anything to do with being neat, organised or clean. It is not a superpower (as suggested by the tv-series Monk). Using OCD or any other mental disorder as a nickname for things that people do, think or say will minimise the disorder and increase stigma. It is done a lot, especially for OCD. My favourite tv-show Doctor Who has on multiple occasions joked about and trivialised OCD. But I think it is only because people do not really understand what the disorder is. My mission is to talk about OCD now, once and for all. Talk about how disruptive and debilitating it can be. So that maybe next time you hear someone say they are "so OCD" about something you can educate them.

My own OCD started almost seven years ago. It started very mildly with me being concerned about being "clean enough". I started avoiding shaking hands and touching door handles. Five years down the line my OCD had gotten to the point where everything was contaminated in my mind, I could no longer touch or be touched by anybody. I couldn't hug my own mother. The fear of germs and contamination made life difficult to the point where I was always scared when being around people, which is almost all the time. I would spend several hours of each day cleaning myself and my surroundings only to do it again the next day. When I was at my worst I washed my hands between 90-100 times a day. It was not very strange then that my hands had transformed, becoming red, inflamed and cracked. I bled from my hands about once a day. The picture that I accidentally took underneath this text shows my hands when they were really bad, but not their worst. It is not edited in any way and it even looks less horrible in the picture compared to reality.

I'm not showing a picture of my destroyed hands for you to feel sorry for me. I just wanted to show you that a mental illness can become something that affects your physical health. However the physical signs of the illness is nothing compared to what is going on inside of you. The fear and uncertainty is so real, and so extreme that it occupies all of your thoughts. And with that depression often follows. Depression is often seen in people with OCD and the writer of an OCD workbook described it like this: "Indeed, having OCD can be very depressive". Which as a sufferer of both, I can only say is true. My own OCD made me not be able to leave the flat eventually. I was housebound and completely unhappy, so my depression worsened and I became bedbound because I could not find any reason to get out of bed when it was a constant of cleaning and washing that was waiting for me. When I was at my worst I was suicidal, because I felt trapped in my mind and in my compulsions. The OCD affected and controlled all parts of my life. I had rituals for everything. I had to eat a certain way, wash a certain way, sleep a certain way, walk a certain way, just being was dictated by my illness. My life consisted of fear, anxiety, dark thoughts and my compulsions. It really was no life worth living at all...

I am very happy to be able to write that I am better now. I take two different types of medications against my OCD and depression and have started therapy successfully. I want all of you to know that you can hit rock bottom and then go even further down like I did and yet find a way back. I'm not cured, I still struggle with my OCD every minute of every day, but I have methods of coping, and I feel more free. That's why it is so important to talk about mental health, mental illness, suicidal thoughts, treatments and help. Because there is help out there!


If you want to know more about OCD I suggest that you check out the International OCD foundation: IOCDF

or OCD-UK

Another great place to quickly learn more about OCD is: That's OCD

This video by Hank Green and Crash Course also does a great job of describing the disorder and anxiety:

I hope you now understand what OCD is, and what it is not. I hope I have an ally in you in the fight against the stigma that is associated with mental illness. And I hope that you will carry on educating people and raising awareness about mental health and OCD.

Much love!