2015-12-30

New Year, Good bye 2015


Happy New Year!!

It's time for party (if you're into that) or hanging out on the couch with your Mum and sis eating crisps and chocolates (that's what I'm into).

It is inevitable to look back at the year that has passed so close to NYE. You think about the high and low points of the year and imagine what next year will be like. For now though, looking back at 2015: it has been one rough year of my life. It has probably been the worst year of my life, and then a better year of my life, dividing the year exactly in half.

I feel like I need to warn you guys before starting, this post will get a bit sad and heavy before it gets better, just like my 2015 has gone about.




At the start of the year my depression was at an all time high. My OCD (that I've written more about here) was the worst it's ever been, and the year started with me not being able to go back to work after the holidays. I was on temporary sick leave which made me feel all the worse. My OCD was so bad that leaving my apartment caused me crippling and unmanageable anxiety. My only trips outdoors were to my doctor's office and back home, whereupon I would scrub myself raw in the shower for hours trying to get "clean". With my disorder taking over my life my depression got bad. Real bad. In February, the month of my birthday I was dying on the inside, and hoping to die on the outside, which in itself is a thing I could write a whole post about (so I'll leave that for another time).



Medicines that I got for my depression caused side effects that affected my heart, and I ended up in the hospital for fainting a number of times a day. Only being in a hospital would make my anxiety spike, so you can understand that it was a tough time. However as the year turned to Summer I got new meds. Meds that seemed to work. The emptiness and greyness of my depression started to clear a bit. I was lucky enough to also start to get professional help at this time and gradually I started to break loose, little by little, from the claws of my OCD. By this time I had also made a whole lot of friends through instagram - golden relationships that I treasure a lot!



In May I started this blog. I personally think that it has helped me a lot in dealing with both my depression and OCD, as I have had to put it into words, and have decided to share my story with you. It made things easier. It reduced the shame I felt, and the friends I'd made through instagram and the blog were so supportive and kind, showering me with love. It also gave me something to do, something to keep my mind off of the bad things. When this blog began, I was about to start to regain my hope, which had previously been lost (I blame the depression, makes you so hopeless).




Dress: Emmy Design (here)
Bag: Emmy Design (sold out, but other colours here, here, here and here)
Petticoat: ModCloth (here)
Heels: ModCloth (here)

In June I went back to work, part time. And even if I was so so so very tired from all the anxiety that I carried with me during the days, I started feeling a bit happier. I was back to work! I love my job, so it meant so much for me, even though I couldn't really do much at first.

As July rolled past my year started getting much better. I still suffer from OCD and depression to this day and probably always will, but it started to become manageable. In August I started working with a psychologist that is an expert on OCD, and while therapy has been tougher than I could have ever imagined it would be, it has also been successful. The rest of the year has passed so quickly. Instagram and this blog have become two places where I feel happier and more at home than anywhere else. The people I've "met" during this last year have really made an impression on me, and I'm so very happy that they are in my life in one way or the other.






The last half of 2015 I've started becoming the Mona that I once knew and I've started laughing again. It feels like I've almost become a phoenix (yes the HP nerd went there...) and really have risen out of the ashes. I have joy in my life again, and it really makes all the difference!

The first half of 2015 I wasn't sure if I would still be alive at the end of the year, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to be alive at the end of the year. But I can proudly and happily say that I am very happy to be alive today! I'm very happy that I struggled through all the shit of the first half of 2015, to reach this point where I am today.






Never have I ever looked forward to a new year as much as I do now for 2016. I have such a good feeling about 2016 and I enter it with hope and joy. I know this will be a good year. I will continue my therapy and meds, and I will continue to fight against the beasts that are OCD and depression.

I have made so many new friends this last year, and social media has kept me going (as well as my family and work of course) in an indescribable way. And to everyone who has in one way or another interacted with me in the past year I just want to say: Thank You!
It means the world to me that anyone would take the time to look at and read my thoughts and opinions, and I truly have felt "seen" in this last year.





This year, 2015, is ending in such a different fashion than it began, and for that I am truly grateful. Here's to the next year! May it be all you hope for and more!

For the last time this year - Much love to all of you

24 comments:

  1. Hi, Mona!

    This blog post in really inspiring. I cannot imagine myself being in your situation and it made me realize that you are such a strong woman :) and you inspire me.

    I feel the same way as you are about the cyber world. Ig makes me happy; i'm glad that i've made a handful of friends through ig and you're one of them :). I'm also thinking of starting a blog. I'm just not sure if i can handle it. A teacher's schedule is always loaded :(

    Starting this day onwards, you will be part of my prayers. I can feel and i know that you can surpass OCD and depression. Go, girl!

    Much love,
    Clare :)

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    1. Hello Clare!
      Thank you so much for reading it, and thank you for everything nice you had to say about it. You inspire me too, and I don't always feel so strong, but thank you, I will try and accept that compliment.

      You are one of the people I call my friend too. And I'm so happy to have gotten to know you. When it comes to creating a blog I say go for it! You don't have to make it into an obligation, it could just be a fun and creative outlet. I'm sure you can handle it! I understand that you are busy, I really don't know how teachers do what they do (!!), but like I said, it can be a fun thing to do, and then update it whenever you have time to. If you keep a blog for yourself, and update when you want to/can and don't put loads of pressure into it, it's great!

      Thank you so much for praying for me. That's very sweet of you. And thank you so much for the encouraging words. With friends like you, I too feel like I can surpass it!

      Hope your New Year is beautiful and magical and splendid!
      Much love,
      Mona

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  2. First off, you dress is beautiful and the shots with the petticoat showing are perfection. Second, this may be the first time I've actually visited your blog (despite knowing you on Insta) and I'm kind of glad this was my inaugural read. I think it's so awesome with bloggers share about their lives in a meaningful way, and it's a great way to better know you. I'm so glad that this year has turned around for you. Dealing with any problem that renders your hopeless is the worst, and being able to move on from that (even if it's the start of a long journey) is amazing and beautiful. I wish you the healthiest and happiest (and most stylish...) 2016 ever! XO
    Lauren-Blair
    www.prefertobedemure.com

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    1. Thank you so much! The dress is even more beautiful in real life. Like I've fallen in love with a piece of clothing... But so be it. haha

      Thank you so very much for stopping by the blog, I feel honoured that you decided to come here! I agree, I like to read personal posts too, as long as they aren't forced. Thank you so much, I'm very glad it turned around myself. It really is, hope is very important, and you don't know how important it is until you've lost it.
      Thank you so very much darling! You're so very sweet. I hope you have a fantastic New Year too and I hope you get everything you wish for. And I hope it'll be the most stylish year for you too ;D
      Much love,
      Mona

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  3. it sounds as though 2015 has been such a challenging year for you. i'm so glad you stuck it out and are still here with your beautiful dresses and thoughtful posts. i hope 2016 is kinder to you :) have a wonderful new year x

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    1. Hey lovely Beth. It was a tough year, but things are better now, so I'm very happy. Thank you so much <3
      Aww, thanks! I have a good feeling about 2016, so I hope the same thing.
      You have a marvellous New Year too beautiful <3
      Much love

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  4. Mona, you beautiful phoenix!! Thank you for sharing your year with us. From reading your blog and writing to you, I know you've put in so much hard work to be where you are now, and I am so happy that you're excited for 2016! Really, I have these happy years in my eyes because I'm so glad! :')

    It has been a real joy to befriend you, and I'm excited to see what the new year will bring for you. You are always so supportive and kind that I know 2016 will bring you more love.

    By the way, you look so very beautiful in this outfit! Have a wonderful new year with your family :-D

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    1. Haha! I love that! Thank you!
      Aww, you sweetie, thank you so much! 2016 will be great for both of us! Oh darling, now I have happy tears in my eyes because you have happy tears in your eyes!! :')

      Likewise, you're such an intelligent person, I truly value our cyber-bound friendship. Thank you so very very much!

      Aww, thank you, I fell in love with a dress... it was bound to happen, gotta fall in love sooner or later I suppose.
      You have a beautiful NYE and I hope that you get everything you wish for in 2016.
      Much love

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  5. Since you and I are recent online friends, I know very little about you. I would never have guessed any of this to be true for you! Never in my wildest imagination would I have thought you carried such a burden. I'm so glad you are better, and I'm glad you started this blog and that we found each other. I enjoy seeing you in my Instagram so much, and I enjoy your pretty blog.

    Send you and huge hug!!

    Pattymac

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    1. Patty you sweetheart! It's true we know little about each other, but I'm very happy to have met you :D
      Mental illness is tricky because it could be true for anyone without it showing. Thank you so much, I'm immensely happy to be better to. I'm very happy we've found each other too <3
      Thank you for the huge hug, one back to you!
      Much love,
      Mona

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  6. I'm so glad you created this blog or else I would have never found you!! I'm more than happy that you're still around and hope that 2O16 brings you everything that you want!<333333333333
    P.S: Your dress is lovely and you're still my favorite fellow curly-haired friend. ~.o

    Vegetarian CourtesyCheesePapas

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    1. Aww thank you Adi <3
      Thank you so very much for that, I hope that 2016 brings you everything you wish for, and I hope it will be a magical year for you.
      Thank you, I'm very fond of this dress. You're my favourite fellow curly-haired friend too :* <3
      Much love

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  7. Mona I truly hope that 2016 be a year to overshadow the events of the past. I wasn't aware of the adversities you were facing but I'm honoured to have come across this lovely blog and its not only kind and caring but also strong and determined founder..you're an inspiration to us all! From now on you'll always be in my prayers..

    Sumeyye-vintagonista

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    1. Sumeyye, thank you so much! You are too sweet, and you're making me blush. Thank you so very much for your kind and positive comments. I hope you have a very Happy New Year and I hope that you get everything you wish for!
      Much love,
      Mona

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  8. Aw Mona, you are seriously such an inspiration. And you are indeed a beautiful Phoenix! I can't even begin to imagine what the first half of your 2015 was like, but I am so glad you are ending your year on a high note. And I can't begin to tell you how happy I also am that you started this blog! I am so happy I was able to "meet" you and get to know the wonderful person you are! Here's to a wonderful 2016!

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    1. Oh Lindsey, Thank you so much!! You and your positive life-force is an inspiration to me.
      Thank you, I'm very happy I'm ending it much better too. Oh, thanks, I'm super happy that we've met too, and I really think you are a special and wonderful, intelligent and kind person.
      Indeed, cheers to 2016. I hope it brings you everything you wish for!
      Much love

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  9. This was wonderful...am so happy for the progress you've made throughout the year!! It's so important to get the help you need and not be afraid or ashamed because of the things you face. You have done brilliantly and I'm super proud of you! Am back to blogging now and I'm happy it was this post I came back to!! The New Year will be wonderful and bring you all you deserve...just keep taking it day by day and doing your best, it's all that is needed, no more, no less!! You will be just fine!! All love to you my dear, am super happy to have found you through Insta!! <3 <3 <3

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    1. Thank you so much Kizzy!! I'm quite impressed with myself, if I may say so... haha I didn't think a year ago, that I would ever reach this point where I am today.
      I agree, getting professional help makes all the difference, it is so important to not be afraid of it.
      Aww, thank you! That means a lot to me.
      Yay to you being back to blogging, looking forward to reading your posts! Thank you for the support, that is what I will do. Take it day by day. Thank you. I'm very happy to have found you too, you are such a sweet, thoughtful and intelligent person, and I'm so happy I've "met" you. Wish you all the best for the new year!!
      Much love

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  10. You go girl, this story makes the smiles I see in each photo that much more powerful. Your last post about your OCD struggles was moving and this one is moving as well! Only this one is even more so because of the positive and hopeful turn in your life. You're so strong! You're a force to be reckoned with! =D

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    1. Oh gosh you are sooo sweet. Thank you so much!
      Aww, thanks, it means a lot to hear that. I was very happy that it could turn into a hopeful and happy post in the end :)
      Thank you, so are you, you magical, beautiful, intelligent young lady! <3
      Much love

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  11. Owww last year was just a saga and I'm so glad to know you did it so so well! I'm really Happy to have meet you through IG. I think worst moments allow us to enjoy is a different/better perspective the little things. I Love your positivity and your enthusiasm Mona! Happy 2016!!!!! Sara ****

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    1. Thank you so much darling Sara!
      I'm so happy we met and befriended each other too.
      I think you are right, bad moments allow us to appreciate good ones more. Thank you my friend!
      Happy New Year to you too!
      Much love,
      Mona

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  12. It makes me so happy to hear how far you have come Mona, you are an inspiration that things can get better for anyone who is suffering. I'm so happy that I 'met' you on Instagram in 2015. Like you Instagram and our little space on the internet means so much to me. I can't imagine where I would be without it. Thank you for making me smile with our chats about sweet treats and for being such a lovely beautiful person.
    I hope 2016 will be a fantastic year for you with lots more amazing dresses like this one!
    Sending love,
    Emma Xx
    www.emmaslookingglass.com

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    1. Thank you so much darling Emma!
      It's my dream to inspire people to believe that things can get better.
      I'm very happy I met you too. You're such a gentle and kind soul, absolutely beautiful, inside and out - and you spread that beauty around you. It is always my pleasure to have chats about cake and other things with you.
      Thank you so much lovely, I hope the same for you - hope you'll get everything you wish for!
      Much love,
      Mona

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